Fated Bonds
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: Archer is once again summoned, except this time he's in a village of organized mercenaries who have a secret. His Master contains the nine tailed Fox! Now Naruto is being raised by his cynical Servant, and Sasuke is the apprentice of the village's oddest blacksmith. Can the Hokage's sanity survive, or it doomed to snap?
1. Chapter 1

When the Fourth Hokage summoned the Shinigami to seal the Kyuubi, he had no idea that someone had managed to slip something into the seal work at the last minute. That someone being a dimension-hopping vampire who wanted to cause a little chaos for Konoha and a headache for a certain white-haired Archer.

In short, when Minato summoned the god of death, he also summoned Archer EMIYA and accidentally tied the Servant's existence to his son.

It took Shirou four years before he found his "Master", and once he did, he knew he couldn't sit back and let things stand. He had already established himself as a blacksmith in the village. Thanks to the Kyuubi attack, no one was going to look too closely at a civilian blacksmith who was serving food he had killed in the Forest of Death for free to those who had lost everything. And by the time things had settled enough that people would question his presence, they had become accustomed to the kind blacksmith who bought and lived in a house most wouldn't want because it took too long to bring it back to livable standards.

He bought it, he fixed it up and as far as the shinobi cared, he was a civilian and therefor not worthy of notice.

So when he found a small blond child trying to avoid a drunk with a broken bottle intent on doing harm, Shirou intervened. The second he went to check the boy for injuries, he felt the familiar presence of command seals. Indeed, he could see from the torn shirt the boy had a massive set of Command Seals in the form of nine tails.

So he had nine of them, as opposed to the usual three.

Shirou didn't hesitate. He made sure the boy was safe before discreetly stalking him. Shinobi turned a blind eye to civilians, as if they were assured of their superiority. Because he barely had any 'chakra' he was obviously not a threat. And no shinobi would trust a civilian to spy on a village. Certainly not one as noticeable as Shirou Emiya was.

What he saw had him frowning.

The boy was more than just a pariah...he was the village's personal scapegoat for when things went wrong. And if the boy died, then he would go back to his own personal hell again.

And that was entirely unacceptable.

* * *

The first time Naruto meet the strange man, the only thought in his mind was that he was different.

He didn't have the same aura of misplaced hatred or disdain. In fact if he had to put a word to the white-haired man's personality, the first thing that came to mind was _apathy_.

This man didn't care about whatever percieved injustice he had done to the village. He didn't care about shinobi or the Hokage. He didn't give a damn about any of the things people thought important.

And that fascinated him.

He noticed the man observing him from a distance, wondering if he fascinated the odd man as well.

Then came the day his life changed for the better.

Every other year, his birthday was a day he dreaded. He was kicked out of the orphanage, and with the number of drunken idiots in the streets the risk factor shot up to terrifying levels for a recently turned five-year-old.

A drunk tried to swing a full sake bottle at him, and right as he was about to duck, a now-familiar figure stopped it. The ANBU were busy at work dealing with other idiots, and the ones in charge of 'guarding' him were those who had hidden their disdain of the boy well enough that the Hokage hadn't seen it.

They would stop him from being killed, but shielding him from a nasty beating was another story.

They didn't even bother to report the odd civilian picking up Naruto and absconding with him.

* * *

 _The next morning_...

Naruto woke up to the most heavenly of smells. Food. Actual, hot food that was being cooked.

He had never had a properly cooked meal, save for the ramen he got from the Ichiraku stand when they could spare it. Which sadly wasn't often. Other than that, the best he could hope for was just-expired meals.

Naruto carefully walked out into the kitchen, where the man was cooking breakfast. It looked like he was cooking for more than one person, but he knew better than to assume kindness from anyone.

Last time he had thought that, he was almost sold to some particularly unpleasant people before the Hokage found him. He had been very angry about that.

"I know you're up kid. Take a seat. I should be done with cooking in a minute or two," said the man.

Naruto could hear the apathy and disinterest in his voice. However it was infinitely preferable to the tone of those who would like nothing more than to see him drop dead for something he had done nothing to deserve.

The man placed a plate in front of him. It smelled delicious.

"Eat."

Naruto looked at him in shock. But seeing that the man was already eating his own plate, Naruto dug in.

It was the best thing he had ever eaten. Bar none.

They ate their breakfast in silence, and though some might be put off by the stranger's lack of questions, Naruto didn't really care. He was the first person in the village who didn't pretend around him.

Even the old man Hokage seemed like he was holding back a lot from him. He refused to even mention vague hints about his parents, despite Naruto asking repeatedly.

Once he had finished (and borrowed the bath long enough to get cleaned up with freshly laundered clothes), the odd man showed him how to bypass the traps around his house long enough to get him back to the village.

He should have known he was doomed to be stalked by the five-year-old the moment he showed him kindness.

Though honestly the man ("My name is Shirou, kid.") didn't seem to actually care that he had set himself up for a frequent intruder/stalker.

* * *

 _A few weeks later..._

Shirou seemed resigned to Naruto's presence in his home. To be honest, he had suspected this would happen after feeding the kid and letting him get cleaned up.

It made protecting his Master easier, even if Naruto had no idea of what the "odd birthmark on his back" really meant. The morons in the village took the tails, whisker marks and the fact the kid had the WORST luck to be born during the attack to mean that the boy was the fox reborn or some such nonsense.

Though the moment Shirou saw the piss poor stances they were teaching him at the Academy, he knew he had to intervene. Well, that and the semi-frequent attempts to break into his home or interrogate him discreetly spoke volumes that something was up.

The Hokage couldn't _legally_ drag him into interrogation because the only thing he had done was let Naruto crash in his house and generally take care of him. After all, Shirou was a "civilian". There were laws about harassing them and he was respected and well known enough that if people found out, the merchants would raise one hell of a stink.

He was the best person to go to for weapon repair and he paid the best for old kunai too damaged or rusted to be of any use. He was the only blacksmith who could take the weapons no one wanted or used anymore and turn them into acceptable swords to practice with for genin or the odd chunin. They weren't of decent quality, and they broke when faced with a superior sword, but they were good for training and light combat. That and they were cheap for exactly that reason.

Hence why he had one of the most profitable smithies in the village, next to Higurashi Weapons. They had a friendly rivalry.

No shinobi under jonin was going to snub his shop because he was being nice to the village pariah. The younger chunin and most genin _needed_ his place to make quick cash for things like groceries or rent, and scouring old training fields was easier than chasing Tora the demon cat again.

When the orphanage kicked the boy out permanently, with only a few paltry possessions to call his own (mostly small gifts from the Hokage, like a frog wallet or his sleeping outfit) it was no surprise Naruto declined the offer of a pathetically small apartment.

Shirou had a resigned, but bored look when the kid showed up on his doorstep almost a full day after he collected his things.

To be fair, he had expected this to happen and had already made a room for him.

And he even had a fair deal for the kid to pay "rent".

"Here's the deal. You can have the small garden near the dojo to grow food and whatever plants you want in, and you have to help with the chores and keep up with the place whenever I leave the village for a few days."

Naruto nodded his head, and the Hokage looked surprised at the fact Shirou was letting Naruto live with him. He wasn't adopting him, but letting the boy act as a renter was more than most would consider.

Naruto dashed into his new room, and Shirou looked at the Hokage.

"I only need help with the food bill until he gets a proper garden growing. After that the only thing I need is permission to hunt in the training grounds for meat."

Sarutobi Hiruzen looked at him shrewdly.

"What's in it for you?"

Shirou's laugh was hollow and full of bitterness. He found no humor in the situation.

"You let your own people beat and treat a _child_ like a pariah and scapegoat for their own problems because of a few birthmarks. He's regularly starved, fed expired food, and the only other people who even treat him like a human being are the father and daughter who run the ramen stand! And you're really questioning whether or not I care about the rumor the kid is some kind of demon. Really?" said Shirou flatly.

The Hokage winced. When he put it like that, it did sound callous and manipulative.

Shirou was a civilian who had the bare minimum of contact with the shinobi, and he never brought anything suspicious in or out of the village.

In short, he was labeled a "curiosity, but not a threat" to village security. Even Danzo, the old war hawk, didn't think he was worth investigating.

The fact he was taking in Naruto upgraded his potential threat level, but Shirou Emiya still gave them nothing to bring him in. And without that, the Hokage's hands were tied.

A shinobi's paranoia was a strange and terrifying thing.

* * *

Shirou saw Naruto practicing outside with the training dummy, and the first words out of his mouth upon seeing the abominable stances was...

"What in the name of all things good and holy is _that_ supposed to be?"

"Taijutsu!" said Naruto cheerfully.

"That is not a real stance. That is what happens when a brawler is given a fake style and told it was real," said Shirou, pinching his nose.

Naruto looked downcast.

"How would you like to learn a real style?"

Naruto's smile light up the entire area.

"Really?"

"Using that crap is almost guaranteed to get you killed. And from what I've seen of your healing factor, you might be able to use my fighting style almost as well as I can," said Shirou.

The first thing he did was toss Naruto a bow and arrow.

"I thought we were learning taijutsu?"

"Lesson one. Until you learn how to fight your enemies off up close, you need to know how to keep them at bay from a distance. This also teaches you patience and how to aim, as well as meditation."

Naruto perked up at that.

"Now since you're no where near ready to fight a skilled opponent close up, you're going to deal with them from a distance. And to do that, you're going to learn archery."

Archery wasn't as easy as it looked. In fact Shirou had to replace the bow three times before Naruto learned how to draw it without accidentally breaking it. To be fair, it was the "child-friendly" version Shirou sold to civilians for their children. It came with blunted arrows and cheaply made bows.

Perfect for children pretending to be shinobi and as a starter set for aspiring archers. Back when he was alive, such things had been made of plastic and cheap string.

Naruto had a single-minded focus when it came to training. He took every lesson and actually _listened_ to what Shirou was teaching him. Like Shirou, he had naturally sharp eye-sight and a knack for aim. What he didn't have was experience.

Teaching him archery was giving him something his teachers were neglecting because of who he was.

The ability to hit things with sharp and pointy objects, even if he had to use a modified crossbow.

And the moment Shirou got even a brief look at the trash they were calling 'text books', he went to the bookstore and got _real_ books on the subject. Multiple sources and all of it backed up by hard evidence and fact. The stuff on chakra was regulated, but only in the shinobi run villages.

He was not going to let the crazy little kid he thought of as his little brother be held back by idiots.


	2. Chapter 2

Sasuke Uchiha stared blankly at the wall. He had lost everything. His parents. His family. His innocence.

He could already hear the whispers of the dead. They were everywhere, haunting him like some twisted curse. Everyone was speaking in low tones, as if he couldn't hear them about what a tragedy it was.

How they needed to 'care' for the last Uchiha.

Even when he was out of the hospital, the stares and rumors were deafening. If he still had a voice, he'd scream.

It took him a week before he found out that his access to the Uchiha account was strictly limited. So much so that he was going to barely make ends meet.

Learning how to budget before he was even eight was hard. And if there was one thing he learned to hate, it was charity.

Even a child like him could see their fake sympathy for what it was. An attempt to prove he wasn't able to live on his own. To subjugate the once proud Uchiha name until it was just another statistic in the annals of lost clans.

Just like they did the Uzumaki clan. Like the Senju or any number of defunct clans.

And he refused to back down.

As he was paying for a month's worth of groceries, he overheard some of the genin talking about selling their old kunai to one of the more popular blacksmiths. He had heard good things about the owner from his father and...him.

And there was a lot of old junk that wasn't getting used now. Uchiha made steel could be worth a bit more than broken ones that were mass produced.

Mind made up, Sasuke went digging around the houses for old weapons he had no interest in. From what he heard, the owner melted down the old weapons and reforged them.

Task done, he made his way to the Unlimited Blade Works. It was a strange name, but it was one that tended to stick in your head if you heard of it.

The man behind the counter barely looked up from where he was sharpening a blade.

"Come to sell some old weapons?" he asked.

"I have some Uchiha-forged steel."

The man looked up, and Sasuke saw a foreign look on his face. It took him a few seconds to place what it was, and strangely it only endeared the man to him.

Disinterest and apathy. Like he knew who Sasuke was, and didn't give a _damn_ about his family or their eyes.

"Let's see what you have then," he said with a bored tone.

Sasuke placed his offerings on the counter. The man inspected it with a critical eye, showing neither approval or disapproval.

"These are of good quality and have been properly cared for. Whoever owned them clearly knew how to use these blades properly."

Sasuke said nothing. He felt no pride in his clan, because even if they were well cared for, it still didn't keep them alive.

The owner looked at him shrewdly.

"7,500 for ten," he said.

"They have to be at least worth ten thousand!" protested Sasuke.

"I'll admit, they are of much better quality than most I get in here. Any weapon made from them won't break as easily as the ones I normally sell to idiots and amateurs. But I can go as high as 8,000."

Sasuke felt desperation. He would need at least five to pay the electric bill this month, never mind the rest of the utilities. And he had already spent most of it on groceries and basic necessities.

The man seemed to see something in his eyes.

"How about we make a deal. You attend the shinobi academy, right?"

"Top of the class," said Sasuke without thinking.

"I have a minion/gardener who is in your class. The problem is his books aren't worth the paper they're written on and the teachers are all idiots. You should see the trash they call a history book. The thing is I can't get any books on how to properly regulate chakra, let alone how to use jutsu. You tutor him in chakra and jutsu, and I'll show you how to hunt from a distance and how to use a sword."

"What's in it for you?" asked Sasuke suspiciously.

"Peace and quiet," said the man bluntly. "That and it'll give the old monkey who runs this village conniptions trying to figure out what my game is."

Sasuke thought it over. It seemed like a fair deal, and somehow he had the feeling this man wouldn't try to screw him over like almost everyone who had tried to adopt him so far.

"Why are you helping me?"

"Your clan was full of high and mighty, fire happy idiots, but there was something off about the massacre. The ANBU's response time was way too slow for it to be normal, and even the Hyuga had a decent time when Cloud tried to kidnap their heiress. The rumors I heard before the incident don't add up either. It doesn't matter to me if you help the idiot or not, but unlike everyone else, I have zero interest in the fancy eyes of yours or trying to 'adopt' you for the betterment of Konoha."

"...Twelve and I'll see what I can do to help your minion," said Sasuke flatly after thinking it over.

The man smirked.

"Deal."

Sasuke only realized after he was in for a long haul when he found out the 'minion' was the class idiot Naruto.

At least "Shirou" didn't feel like a total sycophant. Sasuke found his general apathy rather relaxing.

* * *

The Hokage had a headache, and his name was Shirou Emiya.

By all accounts he was just an ordinary civilian blacksmith who had a rather amicable relationship with the shinobi, which wasn't all that strange.

However normal blacksmiths didn't acquire...ducklings...like Emiya did.

The first was Naruto. After a few months he realized the man honestly had no intention of harming Naruto or using him. He had this general air of a tired war veteran mixed with a large amount of apathy.

Sarutobi could see that Emiya was genuinely good for the boy. Even if he suspected that _he_ was the one behind Naruto's insane and almost suicidal taijutsu style he had developed. Even Gai had looked askance at it when he saw it in action.

Only someone without any concern to their own self preservation would use a style that left such obvious and fatal openings in their stance as a way to fight. And yet, when challenged, there was a strange sort of sense in it.

The openings you left would attract an experienced shinobi to it like flies to honey, even the more bloodthirsty ones. And they would fall completely into the trap that the openings created.

If you could control where your opponent targeted, then you could predict _where_ they would hit. Even an Uchiha would have a hard time combating that.

The second "duckling" Emiya had acquired was the source of his current headache.

Uchiha Sasuke, last of a founding clan of Konoha and potential to unlock the Sharingan.

With how much fuss the civilians were making of the fabled doujutsu, it was no wonder the boy had practically moved into Emiya's other spare bedroom to get away from the stares and whispers.

Emiya honestly didn't care about the Uchiha and was openly unimpressed with the fabled Sharingan.

Most of the council did _not_ want Sasuke adopted by Emiya, regardless of how well respected he was. The man was a known anomaly, neither making friends within the merchant families or bothering with the usual politics. He owned his store and his home, and that was it. He had no interest in inter-village politics nor did he care about the power plays.

If he weren't such a headache to his paranoia, Sarutobi would wish he had more people like him on the council.

* * *

If there was one thing that kept Sasuke from hating Shirou or the fact the man was his sort of guardian, it was his blunt and refreshing honesty.

"You are a medium sized fish in a small pond with the potential to become a big fish in an even bigger lake. The moment you leave the Academy or even the village, you are going to have a massive target on your back. Itachi won't be the only one who seeks to capture, kill, or 'steal' the Uchiha bloodline. Pride has no place in a battle. Learn to set it aside," said Shirou flatly, while giving what he affectionately called "love taps" that left him beaten and bruised for _days_.

Considering the Academy _barely_ pushed him to his limits, Sasuke could honestly claim he learned more from Shirou than his 'teachers'. The man was right...they were idiots.

"Humans learn through adversity, not coddling. Better to bleed and break bones in training so that you can do the same to your enemies. When you become a shinobi I am going to make absolutely sure Itachi doesn't see you coming."

So Sasuke trained his ass off and made sure Naruto didn't flunk his classes. He sucked at written work, but as Shirou cheerfully pointed out, mercenaries only needed to worry about that crap while trying to explain what they did during a mission.

Shirou didn't really think much of shinobi. As he bluntly put it, one man's hero is another man's villain, and no matter how much they tried to pretty it up for the civilians, shinobi were first and foremost mercenaries who would just as gladly kill an infant as they would protect it. All in the name of their glorified paycheck and so called loyalty.

Naruto hadn't liked it, but Shirou brought up a lot of interesting and hard to dispute facts. Case in point, the Fourth Hokage. Konoha might regard him as one of their greatest leaders, but what about Tsuchikage and his village? The Hokage had murdered a good number of their shinobi. He had no reason to regard the Fourth as a "hero".

Not to mention Kumo. They might regard the man who attempted to take the Hyuga heiress and kidnap her for breeding as a "hero", but the Hyuga certainly didn't.

Shinobi were first and foremost mercenaries. They had no time to play 'hero'.

Sasuke had agreed wholeheartedly with Shirou's assessment of shinobi. Naruto was still naïve enough to believe that shinobi could be heroes.

So Shirou tried another tact, one he hoped stuck with Naruto.

You can't save everyone, and some people didn't deserve to be 'saved'. And to try and save everyone was a fool's dream doomed to crush the soul of whoever attempted it.

But... no one said you couldn't make a damn good try at it.

So they trained. Naruto with his strange and suicidal taijutsu and odd archery hobby, and Sasuke with the sword Shirou forged from the weapons he sold the man.

"Today we're going to learn about rage," announced Shirou once they came back from the school.

"Rage?" said Naruto confused.

"Rage and anger are powerful motivators, but they can just as easily blind you," he said, looking at Sasuke.

Sasuke scowled.

"He's a kinslayer! He has to die!"

"I'm not saying he shouldn't atone for his sins. However avengers rarely have a happy end, and all you feel when the deed is done is a hollow satisfaction that leaves you feeling empty once everything is over," said Shirou.

Sasuke fumed.

"Let's try an exercise. Pretend I'm Itachi," said Shirou.

Sasuke could see his brother in his mind's eyes, and the feeling of rage and betrayal ran through him red hot like lightning. He charged like an angry bull at Shirou...only to end up flat on his ass with a sharp kunai at his throat.

"You're dead. You're family remains un-avenged and the killer left unaccountable."

Sasuke felt tears of anger and fury in his eyes. Shirou delivered a slap to the face.

"This is what I'm talking about. If you want to kill Itachi and avenge your clan, you need to learn how to channel the rage and anger so it doesn't blind you to his tricks."

"What about me?"

"Trick shot practice."

Naruto went straight to the archery range Shirou had created, and thanks to a little know-how, that included moving targets that didn't always go where one would predict.

Shirou let Sasuke up.

"I'm not telling you to let go of your rage. That will only come when you find out _why_ Itachi murdered your clan, because the official story doesn't make any sense and neither does his order for you to let hatred rule your heart. So I'm giving you a choice. You can let one man's actions define your destiny...or you can find a way to let the fires of truth reforge you into something better and greater than the lies."

Sasuke sat there, his Uchiha pride demanding he follow the path of the Avenger and kill Itachi.

But... there was something that stayed his mind.

Shirou had shown him repeatedly pride does nothing but get in the way in a fight. Dirty tricks were always an option when it came to _staying alive_. And shinobi were meant to be sneaky bastards.

To hell with Uchiha pride. His entire clan had been so full of it, and yet it had done nothing to save them when Itachi murdered them all. His father had been the pinnacle of pride and he was still in the ground while Sasuke was alive.

Hell, the Hyuga were the embodiment of stuffy pride, and look where it got them. A clan that divided itself solely in the name of superiority who looked down on everyone and was secretly disliked by almost everyone.

"Teach me, Shirou-sensei. Teach me how to discard meaningless pride," said Sasuke, a fire in his eyes that spoke volumes of his commitment.

Shirou's smile held a bit of warmth.

"Teach me too, Shirou-nii!" said Naruto.

"We start in the morning."


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry about the delay in updates folks! Stupid computer wouldn't read my hard drive... So without further ado...MASS UPDATES!**

* * *

Sasuke had passed the 'graduation' exam, but Naruto hadn't by dint of having a crappy instructor who was more than happy to use the boy for his own means.

Upon realizing Mizuki had slipped a chakra-suppressing seal on his sort-of brother's neck, Sasuke did something that would have made the shinobi baffled, but the civilian-raised kids understand perfectly.

He walked up to Iruka and handed his headband back to the man.

"If Naruto's not on my team, then I have no interest in being a shinobi."

Shirou took one look at the lack of shiny headbands, and patted both of them on the head anyway. He was a blacksmith whose only concern with shinobi was that they didn't try to stiff him and didn't bother him.

If they failed to become mercenaries as he so bluntly called it, then it wasn't anything to be ashamed of.

Sasuke's clan would have been appalled at the attitude, especially considering he had been training under the man discreetly for years.

Turning in one's headband because your friend wasn't allowed to graduate due to idiots was _not_ something a good shinobi did.

One of Shirou's lessons was that loyalty was earned through trust, and to be honest once he started looking into the clan he had lost a lot of trust in the office of Hokage.

Pride was something that only got in your way, after all. He had no use for pride, and the only pride Naruto had was in his pranking skills and his garden.

* * *

 _Two days later..._

Sasuke and Naruto walked into the room, heads held high and with their headbands proudly on their forehead.

Mizuki turned out to be a traitor, and when tested by unbiased jonin, he had passed with flying colors.

It turned out he simply had too much chakra for the standard clone jutsu. Fortunately he now had shadow clones to handle that. And the much more terrifying variant he had gotten a good enough glimpse of before the Hokage put the scroll back up, the exploding clones.

However the second they heard the name of their third teammate and instructor, both had identical reactions.

"Why dear kami, why did we end up with the damn fan girl?" moaned Naruto. Sasuke groaned as well as he banged his head against the desk lightly upon hearing they were now stuck with Kakashi.

After learning there was an active Sharingan user in the village, Sasuke had asked around. And what he heard didn't endear him to the man.

Kakashi had _never_ passed a single genin team, and was know to be perpetually late to unimportant meetings.

Meeting a prospective genin team would be on that long list.

Rather than wait an inordinate amount of time for Kakashi to arrive, the two boys did the smart thing.

They feigned an errand of nature and forced Naruto's recently developed skill of shadow clones to take their place. Very few could break Naruto's henge technique (including the pervert-killer known as the Sexy Jutsu, or it's even more effective variant the Harem Jutsu) and frankly he wasn't missing his turn at cooking just to cater to a perpetually late jonin.

Shirou was terrifyingly territorial of his kitchen, and only allowed Sasuke and Naruto in to teach them how to cook.

Naruto was tolerable at it, but could only cook simple dishes. Ramen was at the top of that list.

Sasuke was a decent to moderately good cook and was best at BBQ, which even Shirou admitted trouble with due to the headaches of adjusting the flames.

The first clue that this wasn't going to be the usual time of splitting the itty bitty genin apart in an effort to impress him was when Kakashi realized that the two boys in the room were in fact clones, both of whom were likely from the same source.

Obviously they had known he was going to be late, or had gotten fed up with waiting, and had left to perform errands. Since Sasuke and Naruto were practically joined at the hip, odds were that they were together and awaiting one of the clones to pop to alert him of his arrival.

From a shinobi's perspective, it was a pretty good strategy for someone known to be late repeatedly. Most shinobi could get to a meeting point (with time for minor interruptions) in less than an hour.

From a jounin's perspective, it spoke volumes of how much they respected him as a teacher.

Suddenly "Naruto" looked up, and took out a kunai to pop himself. Obviously someone had told him of the memory transfer aspect of clones. Sakura looked startled, as she had been unaware that they were clones at all.

"You might as well come down. They'll be here in about three minutes once they finish paying for lunch," announced "Sasuke".

"You were supposed to wait here until I arrived," said Kakashi admonishing the clone.

"Sasuke heard about you, and your bad habit of being late to unimportant meetings."

Kakashi eyesmiled at him.

"Oh? And how did he know I would be late today?"

"Your track record. You've been on the teaching roster for at least ten rotations of the Academy graduation which happen every six months, and you've failed every single team assigned to you. Which means you obviously deem having a genin team unimportant and more of a task you have to deal with before getting back to more important things like your _Icha Icha_ volumes," said 'Sasuke'.

Sakura clearly hadn't been privy to this knowledge as her shocked expression said volumes. For the 'top kunoichi', it didn't give Kakashi a good feeling for her ability to survive in the cutthroat world of shinobi.

In fact the very first page of her limited file had a massive "FANGIRL" flag on it, which said volumes of her current commitment.

The raven-haired boy in front of him poofed, as the real ones arrived.

"Meet me on the roof," said Kakashi.

Naruto blinked.

"He couldn't have said that sooner?"

"He's an ass, according to popular rumor among the failed genin," shrugged Sasuke.

"You ditched me!" said Sakura accusingly to Naruto. She was too infatuated with Sasuke to be angry at him.

"Of course we ditched you. It's not like you would have eaten anything and we had to finish collecting rumors from the bars so we have a better idea of what we're up against," said Sasuke.

Sakura blushed. Her stomach growled, but she ignored it with the ease of practice.

 _Ten minutes later..._

"Alright kiddies. How about we introduce ourselves?" said Kakashi with mock cheer.

"Uh, sensei? Can you give us an example?" asked Sakura.

"Kakashi Hatake, current 'head' of the Hatake clan after the death of his father following a failed mission. Known as 'Copy-Cat' Kakashi in the BINGO book, he has a Sharingan from an Uchiha teammate who passed right before the Fourth was elected as Hokage. Has an annoying habit of not showing up on time for unimportant things, failed every genin team ever assigned to him, and is on the short list of those who are given the first copies of the _Icha Icha_ series. Is the 'official' rival of one Might Gai, despite the fact that it's mostly one-sided," said Sasuke flatly.

"Former ANBU captain, supposedly copied over a thousand jutsu, and has only one original lightning assassination jutsu...though why you call something so loud an 'assassination' jutsu I'll never get," added Naruto.

Sakura stared at them both. Kakashi was a bit disturbed how quickly they had gotten what _should_ have been sensitive information, despite not being genin.

"How did you get all that?" he asked finally, almost with a hint of unease.

Sasuke and Naruto scoffed.

"Shinobi, especially the off-duty ones, are major gossips and you're fairly well known in Konoha. It might be illegal for us to drink alcohol until our status becomes official, but there's nothing stopping us from bribing the higher ranked shinobi such as your fellow jounin and special jounin with sake and free food," stated Sasuke flatly.

"People like to lay it on really thick when it comes to Sasuke. He is the 'Last Uchiha' you know," added Naruto helpfully.

"One Mitarashi Anko from the T and I division was particularly helpful when we paid for her dango tab and a bottle of high quality sake, once she knew we were trying to assess who we were stuck with as a jounin sensei," finished Sasuke.

Kakashi had to fight the urge to make them genin right then and there. At the very least he was going to recommend these two for the specialized departments like T and I.

Not a single one of the genin he had before had bothered to go that far to get information on him, let alone figure out the loopholes that would provide information that could be used against him. He briefly eyed Sakura, who was still stunned that they had learned that much at all.

She would need a _lot_ of work to become a real kunoichi.

The two boys, however, were practically shinobi already. They just needed sharpening up before he would reasonably consider them worthy of the title.

"We've gotten a bit off track. Likes, dislikes and dreams."

"My name is Uzumaki-Emiya Naruto. I like archery, gardening, ramen, and Shirou-nii. I dislike idiots who judge you without even knowing you, the fact most of the village hates me for something I had no control over. My dream is to save as many as I can despite being a mercenary, even if Shirou-nii said that we're just as likely to kill people instead of save."

Kakashi almost choked. He had heard volumes of what Shirou Emiya thought of shinobi, even if they were his best customers. Contracted mercenaries was the _least_ painful thing they had been called over the years.

Mostly because it wasn't that far off the mark. They might glamour it up, but they were technically mercenaries.

Kakashi looked at Sasuke.

"Uchiha-Emiya Sasuke. I like tomatoes, cooking, and learning how to use the swords Shirou gave me for graduating. I dislike being compared to a clan who let their pride get them killed, people who pretend to like me because I'm the last of a founding clan, and those who expect too much of me because of a pair of fancy eyes I haven't even unlocked yet. My current dream is to surpass Shirou in the kitchen, since he still sucks at cooking barbecue," said Sasuke deadpan.

Kakashi blinked.

It sounded like Emiya had done the impossible and beaten out the high and mighty attitude all the previous Uchiha had. Which made him a little easier to work with...if they passed.

He barely listened to Sakura...she had her head firmly in the clouds and was obviously one of those who put the "last Uchiha" on a pedestal he didn't deserve or want. The look he shot the girl spoke volumes of how much he liked it.

* * *

"Well?"

"We're stuck with Kakashi the perpetually lazy and a fan girl," said Sasuke in disgust.

"He also said not to eat anything in the morning or we'll puke," said Naruto with a tone that spoke of his disbelief. His expression said volumes of his trust in Shirou's ability to cook a meal they could keep down.

"I'll get to preparing something you can take with you in the morning, in the event it's a trap," sighed Shirou.

"We did get some respect from him when we mentioned the information we got from the other jounin and Mitarashi," offered Naruto.

"I'm not sure we're going to get much training out of him though. I've heard about his own training regiment and once he realized he was going to be stuck on the genin rotation he hasn't really kept his skills up to snuff. He's considered a potential Kage candidate, but for some reason has never pursued the title."

"Probably doesn't want to deal with being stuck behind the desk all the time. Most village leaders have to deal with the day-to-day matters of the village and that means a lot of paperwork, whereas jounin have the option to leave the village on 'fun' missions without requiring a full ANBU escort," said Shirou.

Naruto and Sasuke shuddered at the thought.

"Yet another reason to avoid the Hokage seat," said Sasuke.

"So, what are you going to do in the morning?"

"I found some D-ranked jutsu scrolls around the compound. We're going to see if they're feasible for Naruto before testing them while waiting for him to show up, since skipping out isn't an option," said Sasuke.

"I'll check our weapons so that they're in fighting condition before we leave, and seal our breakfast/lunch. That way if it is a trick, he can't deduct points from us for eating ahead of time," said Naruto.

Over the years, they had found a strange sort of family dynamic despite the fact Shirou had never adopted them formally.

Naruto was the 'younger brother' and Sasuke was Shirou's ward, which by their standards meant Naruto and Sasuke were brothers in every way that mattered.

Even if the council wouldn't agree to that assessment, the fact was that the trio considered themselves family. Though truth be told, it had been more reluctance on the part of Shirou than the two boys.

* * *

 _The next morning..._

Sasuke and Naruto were both lounging out of sight of Sakura, reading some of the books Sasuke had dug up from his clan compound.

He only went there to look for useful things, and most of the time it was left abandoned. There was some word of having it re-purposed by the more greedy civilians and rare shinobi, but the Hokage kept shutting all talks of it down.

So long as Sasuke was alive and loyal to the village, they couldn't touch the place. It was part of his heritage and there was still a chance that it could be used by the clan again.

Unsurprisingly, it was the major clans that owned vast tracks of land (Hyuuga, Inuzuka, Aburame, and Nara) that supported the Hokage's decision.

It was almost noon when Kakashi showed up, and Sakura was positively livid.

She was also the one who was the most unprepared for Kakashi's bell test.


	4. Chapter 4

"So how did the test go?"

"We beat Kakashi's stupid test," said Naruto proudly.

"Oh?"

"Well to be more precise, we displayed the teamwork while Sakura was positively useless. Apparently the fact we were willing to 'share' the lunches he had for us was enough to convince him to take us on."

"So he didn't noticed that you had some dried prepared food on you to stave off most of the hunger?" said Shirou dryly.

Prepackaged snacks and meals were a hot item for the shinobi, and the boys helped to make them. They sold in bulk to the ANBU and other shinobi who often took out-of-village missions that required provisions for when hunting wasn't an option.

Shirou was one of the few who made such things that got the Akamichi "seal of approval" though he had mostly just shared some he had made to one of the random chunin that visited his shop before the man left for a mission.

Word spread fast after the man's team spoke highly of the food that was quick to prepare, lasted a long time so long as it was sealed properly, and was still very tasty even after hard journeys.

It was a nice way to make money on the side, and it was simple enough that even Naruto could make some money off the more...neutral...shinobi.

Shirou had a rather...evil...smile on his face.

"You do realize that now you're genin you'll have to deal with Tora, right?"

Hearing the two curse loudly at the mere thought of chasing that damn cat was music to his ears.

He had to admit, he had come to enjoy the peaceful life of being a village blacksmith. Teaching the two had kept his skills sharp, but other than that he was living a life he had never thought of when he was younger and foolish.

Of course he would have to tell Naruto about the 'summoning seal' he had discovered when the boy took on a C-rank for the first time, but for now he would keep his silence about the command seals on his back.

That being said, he did at least direct Sasuke to a pet shop that sold shinobi-grade pet carriers for small animals.

* * *

If the boys were irritated with Kakashi and his training (or lack thereof), it was nothing compared to how Shirou was fuming over the unwanted presence of a certain vampire who got him into this mess.

Apparently Zelretch had deemed the two "interesting" enough to teach them magecraft. Or he had become bored enough to ruin Shirou's day.

It was a fifty-fifty guess which was the case.

"Who's he and why do you look so mad, Shirou-nii?" asked Naruto, eyeing Zelretch with suspicion. Anyone who made Shirou look _that_ irritated couldn't be good.

Zelretch grinned at them.

"I'm the reason you have your...Shirou-nii...around. I thought I'd come check up on him and see how he's doing."

"Bullshit," swore Shirou. "You're here to be a damn nuisance and troll the village through a pair of minions."

Sasuke and Naruto stared. Shirou almost never swore...well, not as vehemently as _that_ anyway.

"What's a troll?" asked Naruto with confusion.

"Someone who deliberately does things to piss off others just because they can or because they think watching others rant and rave after their pranks is funny," state Shirou with venom aimed at Zelretch. Then he cursed again as he realized he said the magic word.

Naruto's face lit up. He loved pranks.

"Nothing that can be traced back to me!" he shouted to the trio.

"Fair enough. So boys, how would you like to learn the finer parts of magecraft while annoying people like the Hyuuga and not getting caught?"

Seeing the matching grins on their faces, Zelretch cackled.

This was going to be infinitely better than having to suffer Kakashi's training, or lack thereof, until they earned enough for a C-rank.

It wasn't like they were going to neglect the training Shirou put them through. Not that he would let them.

* * *

Kakashi was a bit suspicious as to the training the two boys on his team had. Their fighting style was bizarre at best, suicidal at worst. Their skill with jutsu was haphazard, as if it was a secondary thought, whereas their ability with weapons was above most chunin. And the less said about how much they knew about survival skills like fishing, cooking and finding good plants, the better.

Compared to most fresh genin, they were shockingly well rounded.

Though comparing Sakura to them was unfair. The most she had going for her was booksmarts and a decent grasp of chakra conservation. Her skills were lackluster and she barely made it to the top kunoichi spot.

And she wasn't really _trying_ to fix the more glaring flaws, such as her ridiculous diet.

Their teamwork was rough, at best, and nonexistent between the boys and the lone kunoichi at worst. Every time she reverted to her fangirl habits, they refused to even acknowledge she existed.

It definitely made a dent in Sakura's confidence, but it was clear she hadn't realized it was her habit of acting as though the sun rose and fell at Sasuke's word that had them shut her out. He would have to correct that soon, or she might become suicidal and try to take the team down with her.

The thing that baffled Kakashi the most was that both boys were showing signs of training, ones that were not normal to the blacksmith trade.

So when he called the day over with, he discreetly trailed the duo close to where the 'boundary' of Emiya's land began. He had made it clear (and defended it with some painful results) against shinobi trying to butt into his business more than once.

He had made it clear that the house was firmly a no-trespassing territory, not unless an emergency had been declared. Considering he also openly admitted to keeping his more expensive wares and had non-lethal traps around the place, it was still considered acceptable by village charter.

The more lethal and embarrassing ones were all Naruto's work, or so he claimed. It was hard to dispute whether or not it was the case, and in the world of shinobi, one had to have proof before accusing someone.

And frankly Emiya presented very little to interest a shinobi, outside of the fact he _never_ hired anyone to escort him while he visited the capital to get supplies.

He left alone, and he always returned with his cart and lone horse with supplies.

Among other things, he often bought clothes and food for the two boys that lived with him. When asked by the Hokage, all he replied with was that he didn't trust his fellow merchants to oversell their worst wares because he practically adopted Naruto as a younger brother.

Apparently they were the reason he had owned threadbare and worn clothes that were one good cut from falling apart, and fed nothing but expired or overpriced foods.

The Hokage had brought the law down on them, but the fact was that once Naruto had the garden big enough to become self-sustaining to supply food, and Emiya had gotten permission to hunt in the lesser used training grounds, they never bought from the local markets unless they had to.

About the only shopping they did do was in the rare restaurant that allowed Naruto to dine without upping the actual price.

What he found had him baffled.

The two were meeting with an odd old man with white hair and red eyes that spoke of nothing but trouble. The strange thing was that the few who tried to investigate him quickly learned to avoid him like the plague. Something about how Naruto was bad, but this man was a thousand times worse when he had his eyes on you.

Aside from being yet another headache, the people in charge of watching newcomers had passed him over as "not our problem". He mostly seemed to be teaching the boys a few tricks and didn't have any of the signs stating he was interested in them like a predator.

At most, he was simply there to cause headaches for people who were already a bit stuck up.

So long as he didn't break any laws or go places he shouldn't, they left him alone with a discreet watcher or two.

Kakashi watched, and outside of a few pranks that would activate when they were out of blaming distance, they didn't really do anything.

Inwardly annoyed, Kakashi decided it was past time to track Sakura down and give her a long overdue talk.

* * *

At the very least he intended to break her of that silly diet. The rest he could work on a little at a time until she was finally a decent kunoichi or dropped out entirely.

Naruto wasn't the only one spitting mad. Sasuke was silently fuming by his side.

Most genin would be furious and demanding a 'less boring mission' after several months of what many considered dull chores.

Shirou had flat out told them what to expect, and they simply viewed it all as more of the usual, except this time they were being paid to do it.

Most of their allowance came from selling the dried meals to shinobi from the shop, while Shirou dealt with any looking for weapons. That and the orphan's monthly paycheck.

Since neither had been officially adopted by Shirou, they still got it every month because the bureaucrats in the Hokage tower didn't know about the arrangement.

Now that they were genin, they were supposed to survive on mission payments. Fortunately Shirou only made them do chores for "rent" and paid most of the utility bills.

No, what pissed off the boys was the fact that if it hadn't been for Shirou asking one of the odder jounin who had his own genin team how to help Naruto with his over-abundance of chakra while he was still in the Academy, they wouldn't have learned about tree-climbing or water walking.

Something all genin should know, and Kakashi hadn't even begun to share the basics with them.

In fact the closest the gray-haired jounin came to training was basic exercises they could do in their sleep (and it had happened more than once with Shirou gleefully borrowing the same odd jounin's training schedule which for some unknown reason involved waking up before the crack of dawn...both had silently swore to curse the idiot who came up with running along the wall at four in the morning...) and chores that usually had the client scowling and making snide remarks at Naruto whilst praising Sasuke for absolutely no real reason.

The only _logical_ explanation for their far too light training regimen was that Kakashi was trying to ease Sakura into real training.

At least she had finally quit that stupid diet and could remotely keep up with them without having to borrow their afternoon snacks just to keep from passing out again. The two had silently come to the agreement to bring extras for her so they didn't have to deal with the look on her face when she realized she passed out from lack of energy again.

It simply wasn't worth it seeing her trying not to cry at being useless next to them.

(It was also the main reason Kakashi didn't despair of his team getting along eventually. It was more teamwork than most of the idiots they tried to saddle him with.)

Ironically it was the weakest member of the team who finally snapped. Even if her reasoning made Sasuke cringe.

"Why can't we take a C-rank? Surely Sasuke's efforts on this team made it clear we're ready for one!" demanded Sakura. She suddenly shrunk into herself when Iruka lectured her, privately shocked it hadn't been Naruto who voiced this complaint.

Looking at the boy, it was clear he had been more irritated with Kakashi than what most shinobi considered the village chores. He really didn't seem to care about being made to garden or paint fences one way or another.

Still the damage was done.

"I don't know, they could be ready for a minor C-rank," said Kakashi absently. A simple escort mission might cheer the boys up from the potential mutiny even a blind man could see coming.

He was just as surprised as Iruka that it hadn't been the boys who complained about the boring missions first.

"I agree. Could someone send in Mr. Tazuna?" said the Hokage. He was pleased with the maturity the two boys were showing at the moment.

Naruto didn't know why, but the moment he saw the bridgebuilder he felt an overwhelming sense of dread. Like something was about to happen that could change things, possibly for the worst if things didn't go right.

So strong was that feeling that he cashed in the 'favors' he had earned from Shirou-nii to buy extra healing supplies that he sealed in bulk. He had the _worst_ feeling he was going to need them and a good chunk of the prepackaged quick meals that they already had done.

He also packed their fishing rods and other gear to prepare fresh fish, since Wave was abundant with them. Thinking about it, he packed enough fruits and vegetables to last for a full month, along with spices that would keep even if they were exposed to the wet because the seals failed.

The last thing he packed was his usual 'travel' gear for when Shirou took them on trips inside the Forest of Death for meat to last them a while so he wouldn't have to worry about them starving while he went to the capital for a week or two.

Sasuke, armed with the knowledge that Naruto was vastly over-preparing for what should be a simple mission, went digging into the Uchiha archives for scrolls and jutsu they could learn while they were gone.

Thanks to the headache that was Zelretch (Shirou was right, the man was a useful, if annoying pain in the ass) he had finally awakened the eyes that the civilians seemed so enamored by.

The two had a simple system to work with. Sasuke would learn a jutsu and get it down enough that he could use it in battle, and then he would teach Naruto who learned better by doing and could abuse shadow clones to figure it out within hours rather than days.

It was only because of that, that Sasuke had a reasonable expectation of surviving this mission.

Though like Naruto, he stocked up on healing supplies. He mostly hit up the hospital, who also gave him several scrolls on basic healing jutsu since they mistakenly thought he had shown an interest in being an iryonin when he asked for the specialty stock.

Some of it looked useful enough, and Shirou had a list of rules they had memorized. One of which was that there were no useless skills...only ones you would wish you had later when the need was great. Like fishing or being able to make prepackaged meals to eat on the go later.

He didn't have the time or patience to learn the chakra-related stuff, but the basic medicines and how to bandage a broken arm looked useful.


	5. Chapter 5

Wonder of wonders, Kakashi was on time. He gave a brief look at the way the genin packed before departing. Sakura had the bare minimum, which would do for a simple escort mission.

Sasuke and Naruto however were carrying sealing scrolls and looked armed to the teeth. Considering the high value of the Sharingan and the fact that even simple missions go bad very quickly, Kakashi approved of their ability to plan for the worst, but hope that things remained simple.

It was a very shinobi-like way of thought.

Then he noticed the odd tattoo on Naruto's hand.

"What is that?"

"One-way summoning seal. Shirou-nii found it in a book and it's tied to something useful in the shop in case things get really dicey," said Naruto.

It was actually a cover for how Naruto was able to summon Archer EMIYA straight to him without having to explain away the command seals to people who really didn't need another reason to start a war. The last thing the Elemental nations needed was the Grail War suddenly showing up.

Though he did have a pet tiger, from the Forest of Death. Shirou would always cackle after seeing the shinobi react to his 'pet' that he named Taiga, partly out of nostalgia, but mostly because it had the same attitude as his former 'big sister'.

She would have gone after him with her Tora-shinai if she ever found out he had named a massive tiger after her.

She _hated_ that nickname.

They were almost out of sight of the gate when Sasuke and Naruto simultaneously groaned.

"Oh no."

"What is it?" asked Tazuna.

"Taiga. She must have smelled us bringing meat, so she decided to follow us. And Shirou's planning a trip to the capital while we're gone..." said Sasuke.

"Either that or he told her to follow us," said Naruto.

Taiga was very spoiled and she didn't mind following her favorite humans. She could hunt but she preferred to be fed.

"Who or what is... Dear kami!" yelped Kakashi.

The massive tiger came out of the trees and practically bowled over Naruto. She licked him from head to toe, causing him to sputter from the saliva.

"Get off me you overgrown house cat!"

Sasuke took out some meat and tossed it past them. Taiga pounced on it and began snacking. She had a rumbling purr.

"Send that thing back," ordered Kakashi. Being near the tiger was highly unnerving.

"We can't," said Sasuke.

"Explain."

"Taiga has a bad habit of wandering too close to people if we're gone. She once tried to follow us to the Academy when we forgot to feed her while Shirou-nii was out to the capital getting supplies. She's practically a nin animal," said Naruto.

Kakashi made a hard decision.

"She won't attack without being provoked will she?"

"So long as she stays close to us, she knows to leave people alone. Good thing we made sure to bring bribes just in case," Sasuke assured him.

"She can carry Tazuna and Sakura, so we can make better time," said Naruto.

Sasuke and Naruto rode on Taiga sometimes when Shirou was gone. She was _fun_.

And the look on Konohamaru's face when Naruto introduced his big brother's pet that proceeded to lick him from head to toe was hysterical. He still had the giggles remembering it.

Kakashi seemed resigned when Tazuna carefully got onto Taiga's back with Sakura. Without them slowing everyone down, they would make Wave in one day, possibly two rather than the two and a half it would have taken.

* * *

The worth of bringing one of the biggest Fire country tigers along as a semi-tamed pet became obvious when the Demon Brothers attacked...after making it look like Kakashi was dead.

Sakura and Tazuna were fooled, the two boys, not so much.

"Dude, worst fake death ever," said Sasuke flatly.

"Really? Really? Amateur dramatics need a time and place, and your presentation sucked!" said Naruto.

Kakashi gave them both an odd look. Tazuna and Sakura calmed down once they saw him, though he was disappointed that he was unable to see their ability in a combat situation.

That blasted Taiga pinned both ex-Mist chunin to the ground too quickly for anyone to properly react.

 _Queue one sob story later from Tazuna..._

"I don't know about you, but suddenly that foreboding feeling I had is making a hell of a lot more sense," said Naruto to Sasuke.

"Good thing we packed for something like this. Might as well go see how bad things really are," agreed Sasuke.

"What do you mean you packed for 'something like this'?" said Kakashi.

"We got enough medical supplies and basic food kits to feed a small village. If we can supplement it with fresh supplies like edible fish, we might raise their spirits enough that we can rout Gatou out of Wave," said Naruto slowly, as if explaining to an idiot.

"We are not going to continue on," said Kakashi, as if testing them.

Sasuke looked at him with a patronizing expression.

"Do you really want a large criminal organization to establish a permanent base _this_ close to Konoha? Gatou's presence is just asking for trouble from local Yakusa gangs. What do you think is going to happen if they find out shinobi _allowed_ a mere black market merchant to take control of a country this close to our village? It's bad enough that from what little our client has told us, he's already acquiring a large gathering of bandits from the surrounding areas to dominate the place," said Sasuke in a flat tone.

"Who knows when Gatou will think he's strong enough to challenge the village indirectly? We might as well go and nip his reign of terror in the bud before the bandits start to get ideas above their station," agreed Naruto.

"We're only fresh genin! How are we supposed to take out that many bandits!" shouted Sakura.

"Genin with actual combat training as opposed to idiots who picked up random styles and don't have any skills outside robbery and sloppy murder," corrected Naruto bluntly.

"If they had any real skills they'd get jobs doing something legal," agreed Sasuke.

Kakashi couldn't help but be somewhat impressed with their reasoning. And yes, he could agree that nipping this issue in the bud would be a good idea, otherwise they'd have to deal with bandits making a real nuisance of themselves because they thought they could handle shinobi.

However there was a snag to the idea.

"That might be well and true, but Sakura is nowhere near ready to handle that much combat just yet."

Sakura looked ashamed. After the 'talking to' Kakashi had given her about her diet and bad habits, she had been trying to get into a more healthy weight class and eat more so she wouldn't pass out from training again.

"Which is why she'll be handling the injured villagers and serving the food," said Naruto.

"Oh? Explain."

Sasuke produced the scrolls he had gotten from the hospital. Kakashi blinked.

"Her limited amount of chakra means she has to learn how to conserve every last bit of it. Which means she likely has excellent chakra control, which is normal for kunoichi. She's also one of the smartest girls from our class, so she should be able to pick up basic medical jutsu for cuts and other minor injuries fairly quickly, as well as the simpler concoctions meant to speed up healing," said Sasuke.

"That and most of what we know how to cook just need a little stirring to stay good before it's served," added Naruto.

"All very good points. Fine, we'll continue. But I will be sending a request for back up just in case."

"Naruto, if you would?" said Sasuke.

"Right. One Uzumaki messenger, coming up!" said Naruto.

He made a single shadow clone, then had it transform into a messenger bird. Kakashi blinked.

The clone took off in the direction of the village without even bothering to wait for Kakashi's message. It had a single scroll tied to the leg.

"...Okay I'll bite. What was that about?"

"Clones make the best messengers, and he'll turn into Sasuke so no one tries to 'lose' the message. It also makes it much, much harder for enemies to intercept the message, because they'll look at the scroll and dismiss the bird," said Naruto.

"And who gave you that idea?" asked Kakashi. Because it was rather brilliant in it's simplicity.

"Shirou-nii, once he found out my clones can transform. Biggest hassle was learning how not to pass out when I turn into a bird," said Naruto without hesitation.

* * *

 _Back in Konoha..._

The clone didn't go straight to the Hokage tower. It made a pit stop back at the house first to make sure everything was turned off. It wouldn't be the first time someone had accidentally left the stove on, but Shirou had left after them.

Everything was fine...except Shirou was at home when the clone showed up.

"Shirou-nii? I thought you were heading to the capital?" said Narutwo.

"The rear axle in the cart broke. I have to wait a week for it to get repaired before I can do any serious supply runs," said Shirou. "What happened?"

"Two nukenin showed up on the road after the client. We decided to request back-up."

"Well I'm not going to spin my wheels waiting for the damn cart to be fixed. I'll head to Wave and pick up a few things. Don't tell your 'teacher' though."

"What do you want to pick up?"

"From what I heard there's bandits there, right? Might as well steal their swords and resell them here," he shrugged. Mostly he was bored and itched for something to do.

And bandits didn't really qualify as 'people' even when he was a naïve idiot.

Narutwo snickered.

"Well we did bring enough food to feed a small army, and you are good at cooking. By the way, why did you send Taiga our way?"

"For shits and giggles...and because that damn vampire was giving her speculative looks."

Narutwo laughed his ass off, almost dispelling himself. He still had to deliver a message to the Hokage. He turned into Sasuke and immediately went to see the old man.

Except the guards on duty knew that Team 7 was out, and that Sasuke wasn't likely to have returned so quick. They also disliked Naruto enough to hit the clone, thus dispelling it.

Any hope of shinobi back up would have to wait until later...

* * *

 _Back with the group..._

Naruto blinked twice before swearing loudly, and quite inventively. Kakashi almost felt like taking notes.

"What happened?"

"Some idiot guard dispelled my clone before I could deliver a request for back up," explained Naruto.

Kakashi went back to reading his porn while sitting on Taiga, who was acting as their 'ferry' across the water. Tazuna had a friend who was willing to take them across the expanse of water, since it was too far to swim, but since they had made such good time he wasn't there.

Hence why they were all currently riding the massive tiger across while she dog (or in this case Tiger) paddled across the water. She didn't seem to mind, mostly because Sasuke had promised all the fish she could eat once they were safely situated at Tazuna's house.

He had mentioned he had a dock to fish from, so it worked out.

Taiga was practically an overgrown house cat when she wasn't hungry or in attack mode. Even Sakura was slowly becoming smitten with the massive beast.

Unseen by Kakashi, Naruto signaled to Sasuke about Shirou heading their way.

One of the few books Shirou had been able to get in exchange for a really good weapon was a copy of the ANBU hand signs, which they had long since mastered.

Sasuke blinked, before quickly hiding an evil grin on his face. This was definitely going to annoy Kakashi something fierce, because if he followed pattern then he wouldn't really bother to train them.

Which meant they could ditch Sakura with his half-assed training and get some real work done instead of lazing about.

They were about a mile from the house when the boys suddenly went on alert.

Several months of being around Zelretch had heightened their situational awareness in addition to starting them on basic magecraft.

Naruto had a knack for runes and some formalcraft, but Sasuke had firmly taken a liking to quick curses and minor jewelcraft. His particular favorite was the "Finn Shot", which if done right could be upgrade to a Gandr curse.

Shirou had taken one look at the cackling ravenette before mentally comparing Sasuke to Rin Tohsaka.

He did not like where that thought lead, and had actually begun praying to every deity he thought would possible hear him that Sasuke would not end up with a tsundere personality.

They were far too alike for his mental health. It was almost like Rin had been reborn in this world as a boy, and the younger sibling rather than the older.

Really, it was almost like that damn Zelretch knew this would happen, which was why he had shown up in the first place.

It would explain far too much...


	6. Chapter 6

Sasuke and Naruto took one look at Zabuza and his massive sword, before silently looking at each other. Kakashi was trapped, there was a water clone between them and their 'teacher', and the only thing to protect the client was Taiga, as Sakura was almost certainly useless in this situation.

In short, they were almost certainly boned if they didn't man up and show off some of their very hard earned skills.

Good thing Shirou's style revolved around fighting opponents stronger and more skilled than you were...

In unspoken agreement, Naruto sent out his clones to assess Zabuza's skill level.

He was stronger, faster and a lot more bloodthirsty, but his style seemed to solely revolve around his massive blade and water jutsu, as well as his silent killing trick.

They could work with that.

Naruto tossed Sasuke a pair of real swords (discreetly traced, like Shirou taught them) and the ravenette took an unusual stance.

He bolted into action while Naruto drew his bow and started making it rain projected arrows made of wind.

Zabuza's clone was taken out fairly quickly, primarily because Sasuke managed to use his sword-style and speed against it. It was only marginally as good as the original.

"Go! Get the client out of here!" shouted Kakashi. Surely these two idiots didn't really think they could take on someone like Zabuza on their own?!

Without warning, Sasuke fell back and Naruto surged forward, his hands holding a pair of swords that looked like the ones that adorned the sign on Shirou's shop.

Unknown to Kakashi, these were more like cheap copies. Naruto had some talent at projection, but had yet to figure out how to make proper copies. The swords in his hands were pale imitations of the real Kanshou and Byakuya, and they were a bit slow to 'return' to one another.

Shirou had said Naruto's copies were 'E' ranked at best, whatever that meant. Didn't mean Naruto would stop trying to emulate his favorite big brother.

Zabuza scoffed, having obviously seen the 'holes' in their shared sword style. He sent out a second clone to deal with Naruto...only to find with some shock that when he went to exploit the holes, they ended up dispersing his water clone instead.

It wasn't until the third clone that he cottoned on to the truth.

The 'holes' in their sword style were made on purpose, to draw experienced shinobi in to a well laid trap. No shinobi who made past their first five years would ignore such obvious openings...and therein lay the problem.

They would inevitably fall into the trap, only to find themselves stuck in the boy's style as they countered all the 'openings' with horrifying ease. It meant they would guide the pace, as it was almost impossible to get out of the trap that had been set.

It was suicidal. It was sneaky. It was one of the most terrifyingly effective sword styles Zabuza had ever encountered, as it played on the fact shinobi had a habit of going in for the kill when they needed to.

If they survived this, he planned to find out who the hell taught them such a devastating style.

It wasn't until he felt the killing intent that he realized he had become so distracted that he had accidentally released the copy cat.

Thankfully Haku was nearby to create the deception that kept his head on his shoulders where it belonged.

* * *

Kakashi glared at the two boys, who looked more bored than sheepish. It was as if they didn't _care_ if they had disobeyed a direct order and displayed a fighting style that by all rights should have gotten them killed.

And they were almost certainly going to be insufferably smug about beating Zabuza to a standstill and even distracting him enough to accidentally release Kakashi, thus reinforcing what he thought of as bad behavior.

Sakura had been too impressed with their obviously high skill level and ability to fight one-on-one with an enemy jounin to notice such things.

The two looked at him unrepentant. He would have to nip that in the bud or they'd never respect his direct orders again.

Too bad he didn't know the fact that because of his half-assed teaching, he barely garnered any respect from them to begin with.

"Naruto, Sasuke, who taught you that style?"

Naruto cocked his head.

"Which one? The one that saved your ass or the one that Sasuke learned from his family? Because really, he only uses that since it doesn't need swords to be really effective," asked Naruto.

"The first one."

"There's a reason Shirou never hires shinobi to escort him to and from the capital," said Sasuke smugly.

Kakashi had a sinking feeling in his gut. That had been the subject of much speculation, like whether or not Shirou hired outside help as escorts. Considering he usually brought quite a bit back, it was surprising he never mentioned being ambushed yet. Bandits would regard a merchant traveling alone a prime target.

"Your...guardian... knows how to fight?"

"Well yeah. Who did you think we went to for training after you tell us we're done?" asked Naruto as if it were obvious.

"I still don't get why he's friends with that weirdo Gai though," added Sasuke.

"What do you mean you train with your guardian? Exactly what does he have you do?"

"Well we wake up at four three times a week and run with Gai and Lee around the wall ten times, or until six when Shirou's finished making breakfast. Then we do basic chores until around eight-thirty, when we make our way to the training ground to wait for you. During the hour we're there, we study books and scrolls until it's time for 'team training'. Once we're done for the day we get lunch, do weight training and weapon maintenance, then spar with Shirou-nii until it's time for dinner. After that we relax and read on the couch, or do our own tasks and go to bed around ten or eleven before starting the cycle again the next morning," explained Naruto.

Kakashi and Sakura stared at them.

"You do that every week?"

"Well, on our days off Shirou-nii sometimes takes us to do something fun, like hunting meat, fishing, or random things that he can teach us. Like how to juggle or befriending the local geishas," admitted Naruto.

Shirou could befriend almost anyone. He sold pretty things for the geishas to hide in plain sight, and treated them as they were his equals.

As such, they had been more than happy to give the boys the "talk" a little early, much to their mortification. It was still more informative than the bare minimum and rather clinical one the Academy insisted on giving since the civilians had gotten their claws into it. It left more kunoichi confused than anything by the time they got into the real world, and it took the older ones to clear things up.

More than one senior kunoichi cursed the repressed idiots who reworked that particular class.

Naruto gave Kakashi a bored look.

"You barely tax us, and if it wasn't for that extra training we do, Zabuza would have mopped the floor with us. Look at Sakura! She still can't fully keep up with us in the light crap you have us do on a weekly basis!"

Sakura flinched at the reminder.

"I am going to have a long overdue talk with your guardian when we get back."

Naruto had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing, because that 'talk' would come very soon. Knowing Shirou, he'd be here within days.

They all winced when they heard a loud growl outside, followed by a shocked yelp.

Naruto and Sasuke played a quick game of rock-paper-scissors, which Naruto lost.

"Taiga! We'll get your dinner soon enough!" shouted Naruto.

The tiger roared, scaring the kid below senseless.

Naruto had to hold back snickers after realizing that Taiga had pinned "Inari" to the ground and gave him her usual welcome. He was liberally drenched in tiger-spit, much to Tsunami's consternation.

Tazuna was clearly fighting back his own amusement, having realized what a kitten the overgrown tiger was.

Sasuke was currently fishing for Taiga's dinner, as she could care less if the fish were cooked or not. You could hear her jaws snapping as Sasuke tossed another fish into the air, followed by the sounds of chewing.

Naruto was cheerfully helping in the kitchen, since he had a feeling Shirou would dominate it the first chance he had when he arrived. Sakura was firmly reading the medical scrolls Sasuke had gotten from the hospital, completely engrossed in them.

Kakashi was somewhat kicking himself for not realizing Sakura might be a natural medic due to her low chakra supply and natural genius.

"Is that kid fishing on water?" said Tazuna, looking outside.

Kakashi blinked before looking out as well. Then he looked at Naruto.

"Naruto, were either of you at any point taught how to water walk?"

"Yeah. One of Shirou-nii's weird friends showed us back in the Academy because he realized I had way too much chakra to ever use the cheap clone they teach in class."

"Does this weird friend have a name?"

"Gai, I think. He had some freaky looking eyebrows and he was always shouting about Youth," said Naruto after thinking about it. "Shirou got some really exhausting, but effective training exercises from him, and he seemed to like the fact we were willing to join him and his mini-clone on the wall in the mornings a few times a week."

Kakashi shivered at the idea of Gai infecting Naruto with his... habits. He was bad enough as is!

Sasuke came in with his fishing rod. Tazuna had looked at the equipment Naruto had unsealed and had approved of how well taken care of they were...and the familiarity with which they checked them over spoke of many hours fishing.

It was hard not to like the two oddballs when they had something like that in common.

Inari was so shocked over the tiger being there that he was unable to summon up the usual despair and depression he needed to remain sullen. At least for now anyway.

It was hard to be a sullen brat when you were liberally covered in tiger-spit.

* * *

Kakashi had the boys go through their real training regimen, and came to the hard realization he didn't push them hard enough. Not only were they practicing as if they were already chunin, but their skills that didn't involve chakra (such as genjutsu or ninjutsu) were better than most their age.

He suspected the only reason they were lacking in those areas was because Shirou Emiya was a civilian, and Gai wasn't about to train Academy students in either area when he recently got his own team to train.

Sakura, he could work with when they got back. The trick was to properly motivate her to seek help from the iryonin at the hospital, and if he had to he could beg Kurenai for a few favors so she could learn some genjutsu.

It was pretty clear that he would have an easier time brushing up their ninjutsu skills until they had to face Zabuza again, in between guarding Tazuna.

Fortunately he could do that from said bridge while watching both and switch out who was with Tazuna regularly.

"First things first...what do you know of your ninjutsu specialties?" asked Kakashi.

"I'm a lighting and fire user, with some emphasis on genjutsu and sword techniques," said Sasuke. On his back was the sword Shirou had given him as a graduation gift made from pure Uchiha-steel and a few additives to make it of much better quality than the ones he usually sold.

He could make custom weapons, but most shinobi rarely bothered to specialized. He sometimes wondered how they'd react if they knew he could forge legendary weapons on request. Or weapons that were close enough to make little difference.

Sasuke knew that once he proved he was a bit more competent, Shirou would upgrade his sword until he had something that would really set him apart from Itachi.

Kakashi looked at Naruto.

"Wind specialist, with an emphasis on chakra-heavy ninjutsu, seals and creating physical items like arrows with only my chakra. It used to be chains, but Shirou-nii helped me learn how to alter them so I'll never run out of arrows or swords," shrugged Naruto.

The jounin stared at them both.

"You already know your elemental affinities?"

Inexplicably, both boys shivered at memories they hurried to re-repress.

Zelretch, as a joke, had dumped them in the _original_ version of what happened.

Sasuke had sworn then and there after meeting his older counterpart to _never_ go down the path of the Emo. His appearance was ridiculous and the amount of needless pain had been horrifying. Not to mention he was more full of himself than even Fugaku, who had been a total bastard when he was alive!

Finding out that the Uchiha had planned a coup was welcome though. Mostly because it confirmed the suspicions he already had about his clan.

He planned to smack Itachi a good one before demanding answers on why the hell he felt the need to murder everyone down to almost the last child. There had been infants among the dead!

Naruto, on the other hand, had been appalled at the sheer level of loyalty his counterpart had displayed as well as the description of what it took to finally earn some damn respect from the ungrateful villagers.

Not to mention the obvious unrelieved sexual tension between him and his teammate (and he wasn't talking about the pink haired teammate, despite several efforts to get her to date him). And then there was the almost total lack of skills.

His "original" counterpart seemed determined to rely on a spinning ball of doom and the clone jutsu...and not the ones that blew up.

He could admire the guy's charisma, but his skill level sucked.

Needless to say both of them had come out of the experienced heavily traumatized and in dire need of something to wash away the memories.

Fortunately Shirou had plenty of experience with Zelretch-related trauma, and thus gave them something new to focus on.

Their first hangover.

"Do I want to know what caused that particular look on your face?"

"..."

The two shared a look, before silently agreeing on something.

If Kakashi didn't get off his ass and teach them something they could use, they were so going to dump him off to meet _his_ counterpart via Zelretch.

"Not if you value your mental health as is, no," they said in unison with dead voices.

Kakashi wisely did not ask.


	7. Chapter 7

**I would like to point out that the swords Naruto Traced are not the actual Kanshou and Byakuya. He just copied their "effects", not the actual thing. He still has a LONG way to go before he can duplicate the projections Shirou makes. Also, by popular demand I will be dumping Kakashi into the canon!Naruto along with possibly Sakura for shits and giggles.**

 **As for Taiga the Tiger... I couldn't resist giving Shirou a pet that would give the Hokage migraines.**

* * *

Sakura was finally in her element. When she had chosen to become a kunoichi, the realization she would never have the chakra stores to become a major powerhouse had discouraged her from really training. That and not-so-subtle encouragement from her mother pushed her motivations in the worst direction possible.

After getting closer to her obvious crush, she had come to the cold, hard realization that if she didn't wake up and see the reality she was going to get them all killed.

It was painfully obvious she was the weakest link on their team. And while the boys were good about helping her keep up (namely in providing subtle encouragement and extra food so she wouldn't pass out) the simple fact was that they knew what they were good at and worked at it often enough that it had become instinctive.

She had a big brain and excellent chakra control, but no direction.

At least, not until Sasuke dumped a lot of medical scrolls on her and told her that since they had no interest in learning how to heal beyond the bare basics, she might find them of use.

If she couldn't be a fighter able to stand beside them, then she would do her best to keep their ass alive in the heat of battle.

Imagine her shock realizing that maybe what she considered her only good traits as a shinobi were exactly what were needed to become an excellent medic ninja. She would need someone to show her how to perform the more...difficult...jutsu, but the basics of healing cuts and surface wounds looked easy enough.

And to make it better, Kakashi also said he'd consider introducing her to a powerful female jounin who specialized in genjutsu when they got back.

Perhaps she wouldn't be the most useless member of the team after all.

As she was about to go back to her most recent scroll, she saw a face that shouldn't be there.

Shirou Emiya, Sasuke and Naruto's guardian.

She reached for a kunai.

He took one look at her and his smile broadened.

"Oh good, so my surprise won't be wasted after all."

"Aren't you supposed to be in the capital getting supplies?" she asked with suspicion. To her confusion, he seemed to approve of her behavior.

"Had to send the cart in for repairs. Figured I might as well bug the two knuckleheads and give Kakashi a migraine since it wasn't _that_ far to Wave. Besides, I heard there was a decent swordsman here and I've been itching for a proper fight with a specialist," said Shirou.

That and he was totally stealing whatever weapon the man used for his reality marble. If it really _was_ Zabuza, it meant he'd get the first REAL weapon off a shinobi since he arrived.

Most of the ones they used weren't worth keeping.

He had been itching for an excuse to see the Seven Swords of the Mist, among others.

Sakura cautiously lead Shirou to the house, and it was only Taiga's reaction that allowed her to relax a little.

The man didn't even react to the tiger licking him from head to toe, outside of scratching her ear and telling her what a good girl she was.

Taiga only acted like that when around humans she trusted. Most of the time she played "guard dog" to the house since it was less of a hassle that way.

No one really spoke of the 'piles' found around the house containing poorly maintained weapons that Tazuna recognized from around town.

* * *

Naruto took one look at him and started snickering evilly.

Kakashi took one look at him and started swearing.

Sasuke just looked smug and was inwardly laughing his ass off at Kakashi's reaction.

The jounin turned to glare at the two boys.

"Why did neither of you tell me he was coming?"

"Because it wouldn't have been as funny to see you look at him in shock for being here," they said in unison, their voices smug.

"I heard two little genin managed to fight off one of the Seven Swordsman of the Mist to a stalemate and free their jounin sensei on their own."

They perked up at that and almost looked proud of the fact. Except pride was a deadly weakness they had learned to drop.

"Expect your training to step up a notch later. Catch," he said, tossing them both a pair of bundles.

"Sweet! A copy of Shirou-nii's favorite bow!" crowed Naruto.

"And another sword so I can practice my two-handed style without borrowing yours," said Sasuke pleased.

What Shirou did next surprised a few. He gave Sakura a weapon as well.

She unwrapped the covering to reveal...a simple crossbow?

"Considering the circumstances you don't have time to learn how to shoot an arrow. But a crossbow is simple enough and this particular design also allows you to shoot kunai from it. This way you can keep the enemy at a distance long enough for your allies to arrive and help."

"Shirou-nii's crossbows are ridiculously easy to learn how to use. Mostly because he keeps them simple," said Naruto.

Sakura looked at Kakashi.

"Can I go practice with this? I'd like to get some familiarity with it," she asked timidly.

"Keep within hearing range of that overgrown house cat," he said reluctantly.

She left the house to test out her new toy.

"Why are you here?"

"I like swords. You really think I was going to miss out a chance to go at it with one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist when one is this close to Konoha?" said Shirou incredulous.

"This isn't play time for a civilian!" said Kakashi angrily.

The two boys immediately backed out of the house. They were out of the blast zone that was Shirou's cold acerbic tongue before Kakashi knew the danger he was in.

When Shirou got angry, he got sarcastic, hurtful and downright cold.

It rarely happened, and thankfully they had never earned that tongue aimed at them, but he had reduced the Hokage into backing off in less than an hour once.

Shirou could be a really sarcastic bastard when he put his mind to it. Fortunately he was quite a bit laid back unless you did something to piss him off.

Kakashi, in an effort to keep their guardian "safe" from what he perceived as idiocy, was about to walk headfirst into Shirou's trap.

They were not stupid enough to get within hearing range of that argument.

Better to avoid the house until the familiar smell drew them back. Besides, they needed to show Sakura how to really use that crossbow.

* * *

 _Several hours later..._

The trio came back to find a shaken Kakashi, a smug Emiya, and an amused family. Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other before silently nodding to themselves sagely.

They had at least escaped the sheer terror that came about trying to force their big brother/guardian from doing something he really, really wanted to do.

Like keeping a massive Fire Country Tiger that got hooked on his cooking as a pet, despite being a "simple civilian blacksmith".

It was ironic, but true, but since Shirou rarely used his actual tricks in front of shinobi witnesses (that he allowed to live), most dismissed him as a boring blacksmith they could buy quality weapons from. They rarely, if ever looked underneath the underneath, because Shirou gave them no reason to.

A fact that had clearly come back to bite Kakashi in the ass, if the looks he was shooting Shirou were any indication.

Sakura merely stared, wondering why Kakashi was suddenly looking like someone had tried to bite his head off...metaphorically at least.

Shirou's mouth twitched upward as the two minions (Naruto and Sasuke) were cheerfully advertising the "Cooking King" and the free meals for all Wave residents. Bandits would have to beat the chef to get a single bite. Sakura was 'lucky' enough to be stuck with Tazuna guarding him.

Consequently she was learning the folly of volunteering for that duty, since they didn't really need chakra control training. As a result of 'guarding' the bridge builder, she would have to eat leftovers since they couldn't really stop working until lunch, when the food was just kept hot enough to be edible, but not really as good as fresh.

Kakashi was clearly of the opinion that Shirou would poison anything he made for the jounin, if the miserable looks he was shooting the pot were anything to go by.

Most of the residents of Wave had come to view the two odd boys as their new favorite shinobi.

Even Kakashi couldn't bitch about the fact that their opinion of bandits was that "there was no such thing as overkill when it came to weapons" and that "bandits didn't count unless it was a higher kill score".

Kakashi was really going to need to have a talk with Shirou at some point to ask him what the hell he had been teaching those two. Two green genin should _not_ be that cavalier about killing or making outrageous bets on who could get the higher kill/most interesting death count.

He had demanded why they had taken out so many bandits, only to get the most flippant reply from NARUTO of all people that bandits generally deserved to be skewered and turned into metal porcupines for being dicks.

If they didn't want to end up becoming a sacrifice for the gods of sharp and pointy death (of which Sasuke, Naruto and an odd girl named Tenten from the Higurashi Blacksmith shop were devout followers/rivals of) then they shouldn't had become bandits.

It was horrifying. It was enlightening. It gave Kakashi far too many headaches trying to figure out how screwed up in the head the two boys on his genin trio were.

Even Sakura had looked squeamish at the fact both of them had to go jump in the lake outside Tazuna's house to get off most of the blood.

Every so often, Shirou would toss up a fish to the massive tiger behind him, who was allowing all the village children to scramble up and down her back and was generally purring. The civilians had come to the conclusion the massive feline was harmless so long as one of it's favorite humans were nearby to keep her massive stomach tamed.

She was also very fond of children, as they could reach all sorts of places and didn't yell as much when covered in tiger spit.

Shirou hummed something he remembered Sakura (his Sakura, not the whiny pinkette who wouldn't last ten seconds against Dark Sakura) had liked so much, ladling out food for the people of Wave.

It wasn't that he really cared about their situation (outside of playing with Zabuza and copying his weapon into Unlimited Blade Works) but more that his minions had saw fit to raid several grocery stores worth of food and had somehow known without being told about the economic situation here.

He had made it clear that if he helped, he expected it to be worth his while.

In short he was going to teach these two the horrors of paperwork before they ever got to the rank that would require them to realize it.

If they ever got to that rank, because neither of them really cared about ascending the ranks like their peers at this point.

Genin, as he had pointed out in his blunt manner, were considered cannon fodder to the chunin and jounin. They weren't expected to be _dangerous_ or a genuine threat. Especially rookie genin just graduated. The longer they kept to their rank, the more time they had to train and get stronger until their skills couldn't be ignored and they were promoted the hard way. By then most opponents would never see them coming.

It was devious. It was genius. It went against everything the Academy and the other shinobi practically emphasized when it came to life.

The goal was to get promoted as high as you can so you can take the more interesting missions. Rarely did they emphasize training unless it was to deal with a threat or to get promoted higher.

Sure genin rarely took the 'interesting' missions, but they were mercenaries. Interesting meant stealing things, killing people who may or may not deserve it (bandits didn't count), or espionage. All of which could get you killed in short order.

They might hide behind the doctrine of "for the good of so and so village", but the simple fact was that they were mercenaries. They did what the client paid them to do, and they went home. Sometimes they got to be the good guys, and the public shinobi generally were. Assassination was usually left to the shadowy ANBU.

So Shirou went on humming in a good mood, as raising the two hellions had done wonders for his fatalistic attitude. It was hard to feel nothing about dying when he had those two to train, if only to avoid them getting killed for doing something stupid.

Who knew the best way to fix Shirou's lack of self-preservation was to give him two minions with whom he could share his Ideal that he had gotten from Kiritsugu? To see them smile with the same expression he had seen on the assassin's face when he Saved Shirou from that blaze every time they got something right and he praised them.

It was ironic that in a village of killers, he accidentally found his own Salvation through a botched summoning.

Now if only he could teach Naruto that ramen was not the Ultimate Food of the Gods, and thus did not need to be eaten _at every meal_.

He could dream.


	8. Chapter 8

Kakashi took one look at the Bane of his Teaching Existence, and stated with the most annoyance he could muster considering the man had kicked his ass...

"I absolutely loath you."

Shirou smirked, and shot back in his usual sarcastic drawl "I'm amazed at how slow you were. For someone who can 'see the future' and copy techniques, I expected better. Gai is a better sparing partner, even if he mostly dumps Tenten on me to learn how to use her swords better."

Kakashi glowered at him.

He hated Shirou Emiya. The man was a civilian, but fought better than most taijutsu specialists. He was a fighter with a style unheard of in most villages, but acted as a blacksmith rather than wanting to pass it on to more than just Sasuke and Naruto. He understood the shinobi life, but preferred to be a civilian.

Above all, there was the fact that he happily wore that ridiculous hat and horrible apron with a content smile on his face and made those delicious smells, yet continued to maintain the fact that he had no pride to speak of.

The man was a headache waiting to happen for shinobi. And the worst part was that he refused to even entertain leaving the training of the two "minions" (dammit even he was starting to call those two idiots minions now!) to Kakashi.

The worst part was that Shirou even had the perfect idea on how to break Sakura of her fangirl tendencies once and for all. Even if it meant dealing with "a fanged pain in the ass".

Kakashi did not want to meet anyone who made Shirou openly grimace and call a pain in the ass with that look on his face.

"I'm...both impressed and slightly disturbed this is your legal guardian," admitted Sakura, staring at the way Shirou drove Kakashi to the brink of violence with just words.

"There's a reason we avoided the house when Shirou-nii made it clear he wanted to fight Zabuza so he had enough time to copy his sword into his collection," said Naruto sagely.

"Shirou is terrifying when he really wants something and shinobi 'common sense' says he can't."

"Shinobi common sense?" repeated Sakura.

"'Civilians shouldn't be involved in fights, because they're not qualified to handle them. Only shinobi, samurai or _mercenaries_ should be considered a viable option for back-up'," said Naruto, as if quoting someone else.

"Shirou literally takes trips to Iron and the Fire Capital with only a wagon and a horse, and brings back entire cartloads of valuable things with no shinobi escorts all the time. And not once has he lost anything he bought while he travels back to the village," clarified Sasuke.

"Not once?" said Sakura baffled.

"And quite a few times he's brought gold back to decorate weapons with to exploit stupid nobles who don't know a good weapon when the demand is too low," said Naruto helpfully.

"And he never hires an escort."

"Never. He said it's a waste of money and a hassle because some of the countries he visits don't like Konoha or he has to deal with them trying to 'protect' him because he's just a civilian blacksmith," said Naruto.

"That's... How does he keep his goods from being stolen by bandits or missing nin?"

"He kicks their ass. Shirou-nii doesn't _need_ an escort. He's the one who taught us bandits don't count and it's perfectly acceptable to put enough kunai into a body that it's practically a lightning-rod if it means they stay dead," said Naruto.

"But he's a civilian!"

"Shirou-nii said that all the jutsu shinobi use are good for is tying up your hands to use a fancy trick. Humans kill humans all the time and most of them don't really need to use chakra. He's just a better fighter than the idiots who try to rob him are."

Sakura thought that over. But the fact remained that the Academy had drummed it into their heads that most civilians weren't a threat.

"Let me put it in the same way Shirou-nii did whenever I complained about not knowing any cool jutsu to use. You're surrounded by six bandits, and your chakra is almost out. The one closet to you is well within reach of a grand fireball, but if you use it then you're left wide open to his buddies and it would alert the camp of their Boss. You still have a few kunai and shuriken, and your body is still capable of using taijutsu. Do you shoot off the fireball, killing the first man but leaving yourself wide open to his friends and their boss, who is a missing nin?"

"Kunai and shuriken."

"Congratulations, you're using sharpened bits of metal which even a civilian can get a hold of or make with a bit of stone."

Sakura blinked as she realized he had a point. Civilians didn't _need_ chakra to be a threat, but the shinobi made such an emphasis on their 'fancy tricks' as Shirou called them that they focused more on chakra control than actual fighting.

There was a reason why the taijutsu specialists loved his shop.

* * *

Shirou was on a mission. He planned to negate the entire issue of his minions fighting Zabuza by taking out his motivation for even being there.

He was going to kill a midget who liked to pretend he was a big man by taking it out on a helpless country.

Old instincts that had made him an effective counter guardian kicked in as he side stepped patrols. His superior abilities allowed him to evade bandits like it was child's play.

As much as he hated to admit it, he missed this.

He spotted Gatou in his office, talking to his 'security' (read: bandit bosses) about how he planned to betray Zabuza at the last minute to avoid paying him. Thanks to a useful sound-recording seal which Sasuke had found for Naruto to play around with (read: collect blackmail material) he got the entire conversation to play for the missing swordsman later.

If the head of the midget wasn't enough to convince him that is.

He waited long enough for the security to leave before shooting kunai laced with locking and privacy seals which would keep all but an A-ranked shinobi with the right skill from getting in.

If he did this right it would look like someone had hired a ninja to take the idiot out. No one would suspect him, much less care about why.

Gatou was enough of a bastard that no one would question his abrupt death.

The man turned, and failed to recognize the danger before his head was cut off by a pair of ninja-grade wires (Shirou's least favorite thing to make) and a pair of arrows that were shaped in the same distinct pattern of a kunai.

He was good, but he preferred to stick with what he knew. You tended to pick up how to throw the damn things when you had to correct your little brother on how to actually _aim_ with them.

He quickly sealed up the head, then went to work completely gutting Gatou's organization by stealing all the paperwork.

If he knew Zelretch, the man would be more than happy to dump his Tsundere-apprentice on Shirou. And he would need plenty of bribe material to keep her from trying to kill him with her Finn shots and feminine wrath.

Being able to act like the Edelfelt heiress and afford more jewels to work with was the best way to bribe Rin.

Resisting the urge to whistle, Archer slipped out after making it look like a shinobi had gone through the place with a fine toothed comb.

Odds were they'd blame Kakashi for it. He had to hold back a laugh at the thought. The pervert had it coming.

* * *

As it turned out, Naruto was the one to inform Haku of the change in the mission by accident.

Mainly because he had a good guess the gender-fluid individual in front of him was the same person to fake the Mist jounin's death, and wanted to end this mission as soon as possible so they could ask the fanged menace to deliver the "fan girl destroyer" known as Rin Tohsaka.

Shirou had a good reason to call her this, really.

By the time the single heiresses in Clock Tower (in one of his many, many alternates) had figured out he was much more stacked and had far more stamina than their male friends, they had started stalking him. Much to Rin's ire.

Shirou felt absolutely no pity watching most of said girls getting their ass handed to them by an enraged Rin, or having her drag him off to her room to "cool down". Zelretch, being the troll that he was, had found it far too entertaining to watch his apprentice unleash her jealous Tsundere-fueled feminine wrath on the unsuspecting females and thus used every opportunity to insure Shirou either ended up without a shirt at least twice a week, or the once a month occurrence of the wall separating the showers to collapse while several of said girls were on the other side.

It got to the point where he was politely asked to shower in his own room to avoid the hospital bills of the girls.

Rin had developed a fierce and fiery hatred of all things fan girl by the time she obtained the Kaleidoscope, and had made great strides in the art of forcing them to drop their annoying obsessions and actually WORK towards something useful other than trying to get into someone's pants or acting like a stalker.

The gender-fluid Haku looked at Naruto oddly.

"What do you mean your brother killed Gatou and stole all his paperwork?"

"Well he showed Tazuna the head of someone with a really surprised look on their face and the old drunk looked torn between laughing hysterically and throwing up. Nii-san said it was Gatou, but he was mostly basing it on the fact the guy was really short and ordering a bunch of bandit bosses around after gloating he was going to kill Zabuza and hand over his rotted corpse back to the Mist once he killed the drunk. Though not before bartering that fancy sword of his back to the Mist, since they never specified it had to be returned _with_ the body."

"...How do you know I'm with Zabuza though?"

Naruto looked at Haku like he thought the ice-using sorta-ninja was an idiot.

"Because only a shinobi would think that the free medical care we were giving to the Wave inhabitants was possibly poisoned or a trap, and the only other person too paranoid to eat Shirou-nii's cooking was Kakashi. It's easier to get away with things if the civilians think you're too nice to walk up behind their favorite leader and slit their throat, and most shinobi are too blind not to follow popular opinion if a halfway decent alibi is available," he deadpanned.

Besides, only someone with actual training would move like this guy/girl did while out gathering local healing herbs.

Haku admitted he had a point. Still...

"And you're not killing me because..."

"Shirou-nii wants to set up a proper time and place to 'play' with Zabuza so he can copy his sword later, and give Kakashi the lazy pervert conniption fits because he's technically a civilian and not supposed to be able to match a jounin in a fight," said Naruto matter of factly.

"What's in it for him?"

"Shirou-nii is one of the more popular blacksmiths and it will annoy the hell out of the Hokage because he's considered a civilian and thus doesn't have to answer to the old man and only has to pay lip-service to shinobi."

Shirou didn't hate ninja, as many might expect. He just didn't like the idea of answering to a 'superior' who couldn't hope to hell in beating him when he could play a civilian and get away with a lot more and leave whenever he damn well pleased.

In the shinobi village most would think it was the ninja who were the 'superior', but in reality the villages like Konoha where they had actual rules about harming the civilians, it was the civvies who could get away with a lot.

Shirou was a 'civilian', which meant shinobi couldn't do more than threaten him and when they didn't follow through it made their threats mere words. Few were skilled enough to get past the devious, downright vindictive mind of Naruto with encouragement from someone he respected trapping the hell out of the forest around his house to get their revenge. And they couldn't do anything to him in his store, because it would get them banned by _all_ the blacksmiths who supplied them with sharp and pointy implements of death.

Shirou wasn't the head of the Blacksmith union (he hated doing the paperwork for it) but he was high ranked enough that a slight against him from the shinobi would mean a slight against the others.

The Hokage hated it when the unions kept him from punishing known headaches like Shirou. Sometimes being the poor bastard who had to lead a village of insane killers just plain sucked.

There was a damn good reason it was so hard to find Kage material. It wasn't a question of skill or power. There were plenty of people with the power to be a Kage.

It had everything to do with the fact that being a Kage was the most boring job in the shinobi existence, and only idiots (or those unlucky enough to be guilt tripped into the position) wanted it.

Sarutobi vehemently prayed to kami-sama that Naruto would grow up faster and take his place. The boy was naïve enough to believe damn near anything, like the idea of the Hokage spot being a great job and not one of a glorified bureaucrat who had to listen to all the clans bitch and whine and deal with the paperwork from the unions. A position that offered no real privacy once elected and where you had to act as the "guardian" of an entire village and every action you made outside it had far too many consequences.

It would come as no surprise to anyone (save Jiraiya who would be suckered...er, _convinced_...into taking the post) that when they went to track down Tsunade, rather than attempting to emotionally blackmail the woman into being the next Hokage, he openly told her to run far and fast until they forced Jiraiya to do it because he deserved the headache by Naruto.

Needless to say Tsunade and Shirou got along famously when they finally met. Even if she was openly irritated with his 'bloodline' and the fact he had developed a style only a suicidal idiot...or someone with an unholy healing factor like Naruto...could use without getting their ass killed.

Haku stared at Naruto. Naruto looked unconcerned about being in the presence of a possible enemy, because while senbon were annoying as hell it took a master at them with a perfect recall of human anatomy to kill, and he could tell this was a 'chunin-level medic' in front of him.

Good for basic healing and mid-level surgery, but not Shizune-level at doing damage with senbon.

"I'll be sure to pass along the request for a spar to Zabuza-sama."

"Be sure to share that Shirou-nii has extra rooms and would be willing to let you two stay in his house because it means pissing off several of the council members. Especially if it means having another 'civilian' that they can't force into fighting for them because of union issues."

"...Is it true Konoha has a Clan Restoration Act?"

"There is one, but only those who let silly things like their baser urges fall for it. It takes real skill to join Konoha with a bloodline and not get roped into it."

Shirou had taken far too much pleasure in rubbing the fact that he had a 'bloodline' that basically made him immune to sharp and pointy objects of death.

The shinobi council hadn't been happy learning he could literally create blades out of nothing, even under his skin and yet the only thing he bothered to pass on was his suicidal fighting style.

"Keep me from being turned into a breeding tool for Konoha and I might consider convincing Zabuza-sama into moving," said Haku flatly.


	9. Chapter 9

Zabuza looked at Shirou, then at the silently fuming Kakashi.

"Do I want to know?" he asked, having confirmed Gatou was well and truly dead.

"He's under the misconception that a civilian blacksmith can't kick your ass. And to be fair we could always have rematches later to give the Hokage headaches the likes Kami has never seen," said Shirou flatly.

Zabuza twitched.

"Is that a challenge whitey?" he asked.

"Bring it on no-brows," countered Shirou with a smirk.

Zabuza grinned evilly, raising his blade. Shirou traced his preferred blades and at an unheard signal the two charged in.

Kakashi made a pitiful sound.

"Are you sure your brother is a civilian blacksmith?" said Haku to an enthusiastic Naruto.

"He says being a shinobi isn't worth the headaches of having to follow their rules or the paperwork they have to do."

Haku blinked.

"But shinobi don't have paperwork."

"Mission reports, damage claims, and the ungodly amount of effort they have to put in before they can even hope to get vacation time cleared. Civilians just have to give an idea of when they're going to come back, and they can leave the village whenever they pretty much damn well please. That and they're not under as many restrictions as the shinobi are," explained Sasuke, with popcorn in his lap.

"..."

When he put it like that, being a shinobi was a lot of effort.

"So why are you shinobi then?"

"I'm an Uchiha. Not like my family would allow me to be anything else, especially considering I was the second son of the clan head," shrugged Sasuke. And by the time they were gone, he had gotten the 'battle lust' as Shirou had called it to the point he really couldn't see himself as anything else.

Haku looked at Naruto. He shrugged helplessly.

"I'm the village's worst S-class secret. It was either join the Academy and possibly earn the chance to be high ranked enough people wouldn't bother me again, or be a civilian forever and end up under the thumb of the people who hate me the most," said Naruto.

That and the Hokage had put a lot of subtle pressure in that direction.

Kakashi winced hearing that.

"What's Konoha like?" asked Haku.

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other, before saying in unison...

"It's full of idiots with their head up their ass."

Sakura choked on her drink.

"How can you say that?!" she shrieked, too shocked to register she was screaming at her crush.

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Do you know why I moved in with Shirou, rather than live in the Uchiha compound?"

She shook her head.

"Long story short I got sick and kami-damned tired of the civilians trying to earn favor with me by acting like sycophants. It's always Uchiha this, Uchiha that. Like my clan hung the freaking sun or something. The amount of brown-nosing was making me nauseous. If I hadn't gone into Shirou's shop to sell some Uchiha steel to earn enough to pay some bills, I never would have found the one person who didn't give a shit about my clan or my eyes," said Sasuke flatly.

"Shirou-nii rescued me on my fifth birthday and not only fed me, but let me crash at his place after showing me where the basic traps were. He also didn't throw me out when I was kicked out of the orphanage," said Naruto.

"Why were you kicked out of the orphanage?" asked Sakura.

"Same reason the majority of the village hates me. Above your paygrade unless I feel like explaining things, since I'm one of the few who can," said Naruto without hesitation.

"He's actually right about that, Sakura," said Kakashi.

"Shirou-nii's having fun," sing-songed Naruto.

"Considering the bridge is finally done..." said Sasuke.

Nearby Tazuna and a lot of other people were getting drunk off their ass celebrating the new bridge and Gatou's long overdue demise. His head was cheerfully stuck on a pike and would stay there until it got too smelly.

Considering Shirou had some skill at taxidermy for reasons he refused to explain, that wasn't going to be for some time.

"Dammit... I give up," said Zabuza.

Shirou grinned, and held out a hand. Zabuza took it and stood up on his feet.

"Never thought a mere civilian would give me this good a run at my money," admitted the jounin.

"Now imagine the headaches I give the Hokage because my file only lists me as a 'civilian' rather than someone he can bitch out," said Shirou smirking.

Zabuza laughed long and hard at that.

The locals named it the Great Naruto Bridge, seeing as how he had been the one doing most of the building except for the last part through Shadow Clones. That and the fact Sasuke and Shirou gleefully ditched him to the happy locals when they were trying to figure out which one of the cooks to name it after.

Zabuza had a long chat with Shirou and came to the decision of leaving his apprentice with the blacksmith.

As much as he would have liked to take Haku with him, the teen was safer with Shirou for the time being and he could still work in the hospital and become a better medic in one of the big five. Sure, he'd be labeled a civilian, but there wasn't anything the Hokage or his advisers could do to force the issue since Haku was going to be labeled as his assistant for when he was out of town and the two minions were off with missions.

Officially anyway. Unofficially Sasuke was going to abuse the hell out of the false sympathy he kept getting to get Haku more scrolls from the hospital so he could keep up his medical training. And if Sakura bothered to show some initiative, he might share them with her too.

Kakashi looked very much like he wanted to crawl into a sake bottle and not come out for a week. If they weren't on a mission, he would have joined Tazuna in getting so smashed someone would have had to carry him back or drape him over the blasted tiger.

As it was, Haku quickly became one of Taiga's favorite people...and was liberally doused in tiger spit.

Zabuza laughed so hard at the sight he gave himself hiccups and got a few senbon to the balls.

* * *

"Please for the love of kami tell me this was written while you were drunk," pleaded the Hokage.

"I honestly wish it were," said Kakashi.

Sarutobi pinched the bridge of his nose.

"So not only did that damn blacksmith join in on the mission when he should have been in the capital, but he also fought the Demon of the Bloody Mist to a surrender and now has his apprentice as his shop assistant?"

"I'm pretty sure I overheard Sasuke mentioning borrowing some medical scrolls from the hospital so he could keep up with his medical training without getting stuck with a headband. He's agreed to stay with Shirou until the Resistance appoints their leader as the new Mizukage or Zabuza comes personally to retrieve him."

Sarutobi looked like he was getting an ulcer just thinking of the headache this was going to bring. Never mind the migraine Danzo and the others were sure to cause.

"Lizard, bring me the highest proof of sake you can get your hands on. If I'm going to fill the paperwork for this nonsense, I intend to get drunk enough that even I think it's a good idea," said the Hokage.

"Yes sir."

"And you!"

Kakashi practically jumped.

"Train your blasted genin so they act like proper soldiers and put an end to their damn insubordination! Do you have any idea the headaches I get with the image of them being that damn blacksmith's genin team and not proper soldiers of the hat?!"

Kakashi winced. He had no idea what their actual skill level was.

"I could try entering them in the chunin exam."

"Let me put it this way, Kakashi-kun. Either they at least remotely find the idea of becoming chunin appealing long enough to pass the first exam or I'm going to personally groom you for the Hokage seat."

Kakashi paled.

He really, really didn't want to become Hokage.

* * *

 _Meanwhile..._

"Here are a list of basic chores. If you don't pay rent you can do something on the list. The garden out back is Naruto's, but he's agreed to let you have to space closer to some of the more embarrassing traps to plant medicinal herbs since he can't get his hands on any. There is a cooking rotation, so if you have any skill in that area you'll have to pass a test by us before you can write yourself in. Also if you want to keep your shinobi skills sharp you can join the minions on their morning training. I can spar with you if you want to improve your weapons skills, and any weapons from the shop come out of your pay. Any questions?"

"How am I supposed to practice my medical jutsu?"

"I'm good at weapons combat, basic life skills and keeping a home like this in good shape. Jutsu are not my forte. However, I'm sure Sasuke would be an enthusiastic training dummy after our evening sparring session since I usually beat the crap out of him with blunted swords."

Haku was amused and very confused.

"Aren't you supposed to be a civilian?"

"Civilian does not equal harmless, hence why I give the Hokage and the shinobi headaches. They really need to be a bit more professional and quit assuming civilian equals no combat experience."

"So what are my duties in the shop?"

"Mostly you'll be practicing your skills at making simple medicines. Shinobi pay a lot for that kind of stuff and it sharpens your skills. You'll also act as the face of the shop when I'm out getting supplies. I'll give you a list of things to look for, since I pay the best for used and old kunai or shuriken. Most of the genin and chunin come to me to sell the scrap metal that I then reforge into cheap swords. Aside from that, we also sell food that is good for long term missions as long as it's kept dry."

Zelretch was a monumental pain in the ass, but at least he was able to get Shirou a professional grade dehydrator that could be powered by lightning runes. Originally he had to do the old fashioned way with seals, but the machine was far more reliable.

He also upgraded the kitchen, which was the only reason Shirou hadn't used him for target practice.

Within the first two weeks of being Shirou's shop assistant, he had learned a few things.

One, Shirou was the oddest man he had ever met, bar none. He might claim the title of civilian, but there was no way in _hell_ Haku would ever mistake him for one after he literally kicked the war hawk known as Danzo out on his ass for trying to snag his assistant.

Haku made a point to avoid the man without someone trustworthy nearby...or a lot of witnesses. Above all he was never too proud to scream rape if Danzo tried to lead him anywhere, and his girly appearance was actually useful.

Two, Shirou is beyond skilled when it comes to giving people the perfect weapon, and Haku falls in love with his new spear. He doesn't know the significance of "Gae Bolg", but he does know that the pale blue spear is the absolute best weapon he would ever have.

And that's _before_ Haku discovers it's special trick of obliterating the heart when charged with enough chakra.

* * *

"SHIROU! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!"

Seeing the annoyance that was Shirou Emiya fleeing as if his life depended on it from a woman with twin tails wearing red flinging some sort of jutsu brought a strange sense of warmth to the Hokage and Kakashi. Both would vehemently deny cackling with glee as Shirou narrowly dodged the attacks, or the fact that they were openly betting on how long it took for the woman to calm down once she kicked his ass.

Or the fact that the odd red-eyed man (not an Uchiha) was cackling with them and sharing popcorn while they watched the show...or the fact that the minions were making open bets on the two.

TOHSAKA was not a happy camper. Zelretch, the eternal thorn in her side, had dumped her in some backwater world with no explanation other than she had to train some girl in how to be a proper fighter.

Then she saw _him_ , and her eyes went red with fury.

She really didn't like Archer that much.

Archer, damn him, took one look at her and ran like hell.

It wasn't until she calmed down (after finally cornering and beating the living shit out of him with Tsundere-powered fury) that she found out something that really had her pissed.

"You mean to tell me the only thing we really needed to do in order to give you some Akasha-damned self preservation instincts was to give you _minions_?!"

Naruto and Sasuke both saluted her the moment she said Minions. She twitched, and fired a Gandr at them both.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure Sasuke is one of your reincarnations. It would certainly explain quite a bit."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" demanded the boy, already reaching for his stash of jewels.

"You fire Gandrs at Naruto whenever he says something to embarrass you, you specialize in jewelcraft of all things, and you're a borderline Tsundere. Either that or your Dere side has yet to properly show themselves yet."

Sasuke threw a ruby at him. Shirou caught it and gave TOHSAKA a look.

"Dibs on Ducky," said TOHSAKA.

"It's Sasuke."

"Your hair looks like a duck's ass. You'll have to earn your name from me."

"I mostly asked he-who-needs-to-be-punted-off-the-mountain to bring Rin here to train Sakura. Her form is terrible and she needs a reality check."

TOHSAKA went to her happy place imagining Zelretch being punted off the fancy mountain. Then she registered what he said.

"Not a chance. I can't stand fangirls."

"I know. Hence why I asked for you," said Shirou.

"Can't we summon Dark Sakura here or something to deal with it then? She likes kids!"

Shirou opened his mouth, then had an idea.

"It would free me up in the mornings...and it would give Sasuke a chance to really learn from someone who isn't insane..."

"I refuse to go down the path of the Emo like that ass," deadpanned Sasuke.

"I think Zelretch mentioned something about dumping the remaining two in the same world for shits and giggles."

"...Can we go to watch the fireworks? Please?" said Naruto with puppy-dog eyes.

"Hell, let's make a family outing of it," said Shirou. Naruto and Sasuke cheered.

"Why we never thought of giving you impressionable minions before, I'll never understand."

"And while we're at it, we could swing by and pick up Sakura and Illya."

"What about Saber?" asked TOHSAKA impishly.

"Because that might open up a chance for the Grail Wars to start up here, and the Shinobi nations are bad enough as is," deadpanned Shirou.

"Fair enough, though you're really pushing it with two of the lesser grails being here."

Zelretch didn't need much in the way of "convincing", as Shirou's only stipulations were that the fall out never fall on him and he was allowed to remain blissfully ignorant of what the demented minds of two pranksters and one troll could come up with. TOHSAKA was quick to join in on that agreement.

Kakashi and Sakura were both hijacked before a team mission (Shirou had Sasuke forge his teacher's handwriting and claim they were taking a week off for "teamwork training in the Forest of Death, which no one was fooled by for a minute) and neither were happy with it. They were even less happy when they found out who had done the kidnapping.

At the very least, this trip was sure to be informative for the both of them.


End file.
